Venetian Sol

Can anyone say heat stroke? It’s been over 30 (that’s >86 for all of you cute little Americans!) for all of my four days in the city that will soon be no more.

What’s that, you say? Yes, Venice is playing a tragic little role in geopolitical affairs – it’s sinking into the mud it was built on (dumbass 9th century engineers…) while also at the mercy of rising sea levels. Like most sad things, Venice has appeal. A little too much appeal, perhaps – there are tourists everywhere. It’s not as bad as Paris, though – one can still pretty easily escape the rush and get lost in this ancient, aging city.

There is much to be said for getting intentionally lost in a city: you can see new areas that you might not have planned on otherwise, follow locals around a little creepily, and find cute places to eat. Venice is the perfect city to get lost in. First of all, you get lost wheteher you want to or not – no map can have enough detail to display the nooks and crannies that are a result of poor poor poor Italian city planning that somehow made a charming city, like many things that the Italians fuck up only to see a cute result. When one is lost in Venice, as I was yesterday for about three hours, one can observe the decaying buildings, the rising water, and the happy Snooki-like party girl lying in wait around every corner.

It’s a really great time! One problem when it’s so hot, though: water, water, everywhere but not a drop to swim in. Because you do NOT want to touch the canal water. That’s twelve centuries of nasty, people.

Paris as a Hipster

Stay with me here, folks. I realize that I might have lost a few already. Those who I have lost with my title most likely fall into two camps:

1. Those who ask: what is a hipster? You, my followers, are lucky enough that you have not yet been forced to grapple with the hipster phenomenon that is sweeping the world. According to my favorite definition on UrbanDictionary.com (which you probably have not heard of if you have not heard of “hipsters,” but hey, it’s not like Britannica defines this shit), a hipster is: "someone who thinks they are cooler than everyone else even though their clothes look like they come from the Salvation Army."

2. Those who think: “Patrick, you’re stupid. You were just in Berlin – hipster capital of Europe! Paris, with its leafy avenues, lofty works of art, and ladylike togetherness as a whole, is the antithesis of a dirty, smelly hipster!”

I understand everyone’s concerns. This post is risky, I know. But hear me out. Paris, the city of lights, love, and L’Enfant, is a hipster. And I hate it. Here’s why:

Point A. Paris doesn’t do anything. It just sort of stands around looking good. Like a well-cultivated hipster, Paris presents and image to the world that is finished and static. Construction above the Eiffel tower? Non, non, that would ruin l’skyline. Berlin was an absolute mess – cranes and scaffolding everywhere. But at least they were doing something.

Point B. Paris gets much more credit than it deserves. Like that hipster kid in weird sunglasses gently nodding his head to bad electronic music in the corner of a dark basement party who everyone is jealous of, Paris is overrun with AsiansAfricansAmericansAleutians oogling at Notre Dame, l’Tour Eiffel, and the Arc d’triomphe (France? A military triumph? Huh?) when these sights are really not any more amazing than those one could see in a whole list of other European cities that are less-visited.

Point C. Parisians are mean. Like hipsters, they keep to themselves. Perhaps they have good reason for this, but it’s still all about image. They’re not befriending (or acknowledging the existence of) that woman with BMI 30 wearing a Mickey Mouse shirt and eating fake gelato next to Notre Dame for a reason – they’re too cool.

Point D. Paris acts like it doesn’t care. This is actually an extension of Point C. Parisians act like they’re the coolest kids on the block, but if you didn’t have BMI 30 woman spending her money because she thinks you’re cool, you would have no money with which you could continue to pretend to be cool.

Nuff’ said. Sometimes, you just have to knock the hipsters back into their places.